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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
Sep132013

Wrecktastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

I'm sure you've heard the big news by now: we're getting a new Harry Potter movie!!

Well, ...ish.

Ok, so really they're making a movie based on a "companion textbook" that Rowling wrote for Harry Potter called Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them. After that we get a run of Advanced Potions Off-Broadway and Herbology 101: The Reckoning.

Now, you may be wondering how exactly one turns a reference compendium of magical beasts into a movie.

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

***

[Scene opens on a brightly lit Quidditch field. A crowd of fantastical beasts emerges from the forest. followed by two zoo keepers.]

"Why, Dorfus, me boy, how's that ol' Blast-Ended Skrewt of yours?"

 

"Not bad, not bad, Grackby, but that Bubble-Snouted Lardypuss over there is giving me trouble."

 

"Really? I found his species quite charming. The Spotted Brandly Grouser, on the other hand..."

"Well, his cousins did lose their eyes yesterday.

 

"Say, have you seen our new Pan Galactic Gargle Mooner?"

 

"No, but I spotted a Bumble-Gristled Rhino-Phant in the muck back there."

 

"Aye, I 'spect he's a bad case of Turpentoan Jelly-Mites. Remind me to spray for those later, will you?"

 

"Only if you remind ME to clear out the Dementor Lizards in the head master's sock drawer!"

 

"Haha! 'Course I will, ol' chap! Ooh, say, is that a Twister-Lichen Taffy Fox??

"Yes, and I've always wondered: what DOES the fox say?"

[both laughing merrily]
[fade out]

THE END

 

Thanks to Amanda O., Amy & Cassidy, Fariah, Ilaria K., Sara P., Alia B., Suzanne B., & Sarah F. for that magical education.

 

Now, sit back, relax, and prepare to learn... WHAT THE FOX SAYS:

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Reader Comments (48)

I generally don't do songs when Jen does one, and "What Does the Fox Say" is the MOST pernicious earworm I've heard in, well, forever, so ENJOY!!!

I wonder what you get when you cross a Twister-Lichen Taffy Fox with a Majestic Coiled Crap Hound?
(I'll bet there's a cake for that...)

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

.- .-- . ... --- -- . as usual!
(Just in case there are any horses reading this.)

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Herbology 101: The Reckoning. I would pay cash money to see that. But only if Jen makes it, with moar cake!

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKim

Did anyone else read one of those characters as Hagrid?

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaitlyn

The fox singing at the end of the video reminds me of David Michael Bennett from Steam Powered Giraffe. And, BTW, that cute song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. :-)

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

The first wreck looks like somebody set out to make a crocodile or an alligator and didn't have enough green frosting, so they just made eyes and nostrils. At least, that's the explanation I'm going with.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterwoodnwheel

Well, I'm a card-carrying old grouch, and I thought that fox song was just a teensy bit very annoying! That first cake-creature may be marked "fresh", but one has to wonder how long it will stay that way, in a an enclosed, airless environment. It appears to be already showing signs of hypoxia. (2-ick 3-uck.) The pan galactic banana-gagger is kinda cute, but he / she / it looks unamused, and could be plotting some unpleasant revenge. (Wouldn't YOU?) Next: "Clean up on aisle five-STAT!" 6."?" 7.WHY does that face look familiar? 8. Ahh, at least they took his lid off, so he can breathe. He/it could've met the same sad end as #1 up there. Close call, that. Question: Are there any "cruelty-to-baked-goods" guidelines/rules/ordinances? If so, where would one file a report? =^-.-^=

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

That cow on the cake with the moon is looking at me like it knows something. Like it has attained enlightenment and is gazing down from the heavens watching our pathetic struggles for life and death from it's all seeing perch. It is zen itself.

Save us moon cow. Save us all.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHolly Folly

There is a fox or two that live in the ravine that runs behind my house, so I can't thank you enough for today's linguistic lesson!
@Sharyn: you more than deserve a break today....and I'm still enjoying your penultimate classic, "Poo Bee or Not Poo Bee...."
@SuBee: - --- --- ..-. -. -.--

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermel

Do the chevron Dementor Lizards come in argyle, too? Also, look for Flula's autotune cover of "What does the fox say?"

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLorie

I don't think that first one is cake, I think it is some crazy french bread creation, or possibly an eclair that is evolving into a new life form. Of course this observation did not stop me from thinking "what the heck was that baker thinking?" So it's a great wreck!

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTrasawee

That Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- oops, I mean Mooner -- is the basis for the Muggle nursery rhyme. Everybody saw it and the wizards "flashy-thinged" them and suggested it was only a cow.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLDM

Excellent tie-in with current events, Jen! And, is it sad or hilarious that "there's a cake for that"?

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

I'd finally gotten that song un-stuck from my head after a week of being lodged in there, and then you had to go and post this. :P

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCarol

Kaitlyn, I totally read that in Rubius Hagrid's voice! And can we start a petition to JK Rowling for Herbology: The Reckoning? What a great idea.

Pan-Galactic Gargle Mooner! Great crossover title, Jen!

Loved the video, strange though it was. Do people in other countries not hear"yip" from foxes?

Apparently, according to my cat, all of those things are what the fox says. She is freaking the freak out right now.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBrooke

...Yes, but... WHY does the cow have claws...

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

Uh, Dorfus? Those aren't bubbles.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJust Andrea

These cakes were not made by the bakers, right? They were made by those little elves that made the cobbler's shoes, but after a night of pub-hopping, right? Seriously, these cakes could be in Timothy's Pink Elephant parade. Except they are not all pink. Or elephants, but still...

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJust Andrea

#1 has me wondering two things: a.) What is the BES made of -- French bread? 2. Why do I care?

@SuBee, it's awesome to see Code here. Are you a ham? 73 DE N6SXW

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

That Blast-Ended Skrewt looks deep fried. I bet there's a plastic baby in there somewhere too.

As for the Pan Galactic Gargle Mooner... o.O Ummm... Nice banana!

Is there really cake under that fox or is it all frosting???

@SuBee ~ You win. That was pretty freaking awesome. Perfect!

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

Maybe cake #1 is the rarely seen albino gator. I wish I could see the video but we've to an especially tricky firewall here at work. I'll try to contain myself until I get home!

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

I didn't know Jen reads SATW.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAkgreentea

Ha! My friends and I have been humming that song for a week now. Also THIS SHIRT IS SO CUTE!! http://shirt.woot.com/offers/what-are-those-foxes-saying

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCandice

The seal says ow ow ow? I'm not going to think about why. On a positive note, the fox is apparently sexy and he knows it.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNiki M

I was introduced to the Fox song on Wednesday night at pub quiz. It is both catchy and strange. XD But at least it's a lot less offensive than Blurred Lines.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Good gods... I've been reading this blog too long. I looked at that "Bumble-Gristled Rhino-Phant" purple half-cake thingie and though, "well that doesn't look so bad..." That's how low the bar is set!

PS, unrelated: are you going to Geek Girl Con, Jen? (Or anyone, really - just curious!) :)

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

That first cake is listed as a "special order"? well that's good news, because you sure wouldn't want that just sitting in the cake display case on a daily basis. But you have to wonder, just what occasion would you "special order" that wreck?

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDonna

those cakes I will see in my nightmares D:

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

Teeth crafted of white buttercream (Skrewt's mouth) could not look less threatening, could they?

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRadiofiesta

Well, you've got the "Well, ...ish." part right....I'm expecting to hear "Ah-chachachachaaaw!" out of that Bubble-Snouted Lardypuss! And, the "pernicious earworm" is more like a tapeworm! I listened to that horrible thing, and wish I hadn't! There should be a vaccine against that!
=^>.<^=

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Thank you for that! Really, just, thank you!
@Kaitlyn - Yes! I absolutely did.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterzoomom

I agree that the first cake looks like a bread creation gone wrong. The video at the end had my mind very confused. I wasn't sure if I should be laughing or correcting the singer and telling him that foxes use a variety of different calls that utilize sounds similar to barking, chirping, and screaming/crying. However when the fox started singing I lost it.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCece

So, Snorkel-Faced Moon Goat and his little buddy Cream Mouse, there..."Free to Good Home" sign fell down, did it?
And please, folks: Bumble-Gristled Rhino-Phant is embarassed enough that he had a bit of an unfortunate, er... accident. Try to gag quietly into your handkerchiefs, and move quickly toward the exit. Thank you.
=^e.e^=

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Aye, yer a wrecker Harry...

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAnonynon

"Let's cancel Firefly"--that's what the fox is saying.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

Wait -- it's a Mooncalf! That's a creature actually listed in the booklet!

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterClassic Steve

From frosting gloppies,
fondant infants, cupcake cakes -
save us, Thou Moon Cow.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

Oh my God, that's a cow??? Thank you, thank you. I had no idea and it was bothering me.
@Craig- I AM a ham, but not the kind you think.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Blast. Ended. Screwt.

That is all.

BUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterabudoggie

In your honor, Lady Sharyn, I present "Moo Shadow":(for the cake-cow up there that was too lazy to jump over the moon)
Tune:"Moonshadow", by Cake ("Cat") Stevens
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I'm being followed by a moo shadow
Moo shadow, moo shadow!
Leaping and hopping on a moo shadow
Moo shadow, moo shadow!
And if I ever lose my eyes
Lose my dough--lose my hands
Oh well -I won't have to bake no more.
=^~.~^=

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

All this post needs is a Night Vale reference to be perfect. Either that or I've spent too much time on tumblr lately.

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMyra

makes me long for the days of lambs smoking cigarettes...

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

OH NO call animal control eeeps

September 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterStoich91

I was (painfully) listening to the song and I was thinking, they just HAVE to be Scandinavian.Bingo.

September 14, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterM.

@BADKarma ("Yes, but... WHY does the cow have claws...")
That should be the least of our worries.When is the last time you saw a mouse that was half the size of a cow? =^o.0^=

September 14, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

I would actually buy the 6th cake... just to taste the icing.

October 5, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterliv

I have spent hours on this site tonight! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

November 26, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDiAnna Rosquist

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