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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Jan072016

Yes, Bakers Are Still Making Disgusting Baby Shower Cakes

Warning: Graphic cakes of a medical nature to follow. Hide the kids, and hold on to your appetites!

Additional Helpful Warning from john (the hubby of Jen): There's lady bits ahead.


 

Remember when all we had to worry about on baby shower cakes was the occasional creepy doll or demonic ultrasound photo?

Next were the boob and belly cakes, because apparently moms-to-be harbor sado-cannabalistic tendencies:

Then they added those Alien-inspired belly-burster baby feet - which is SUPER fun to say three times fast. (Go on, try it. You know you want to.)

 

Soon even celebs like Christina Aguilera were getting in on the gross-out-your-guests act:

 

So how do you top edible naked moms giving birth?
Why, make the cake wet plastic shiny and embed a bunch of CLEAR GELATIN, of course.

Mmm, that's the stuff.

 

Or you could go for classic realism:

Sure, everyone will 'ooh' and 'ahhh' - until the carving knife comes out.
("No, no, YOU serve." "No, you!" "Maybe we'll just have ice cream.")

(If you need more nightmares, just look at this baby cake being sliced.)

 

But for maximum hurkin'-in-the-gherkins, there's really no beating the spread leg, peek-a-boo head:

With extra jam filling.

 

 

Hang on, it's missing something. No, not feet. Or a torso. Or common decency.

PUBIC HAIR!

Ah, so much better.

 

 

But really, aren't those legs kind of, I dunno, unnecessary?

I mean, let's get back to basics, people:

All a good dessert needs is stretched vagina lips, and a crowning fetus head. Am I right, or am I right?

 

 

Thanks to Kasey V., Sandy R., Linda G., Darren W., Devon H., Lynds, & Maggie for understanding that there was really no good way to censor those last three, short of blacking out the whole photo. Which would be preferable, but less educational.

*****

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Reader Comments (69)

Ugh! Those last ones in particular. WHO WOULD WANT TO EAT THAT? It's enough to put me off cake forever.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered Commentererin

Rock-a-bye baby-shaped shower cake
Thinking of you will keep me awake
The mom who receives you must have real nerve
To cut you in pieces her guests for to serve

Rock-a-bye labia-cake, you’re just foul
Thinking of you makes my stomach howl
To feed you to hogs would not be a waste
Though I believe piggies don’t have such poor taste

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

I think Christina was consciously copying a cake that's been on here before. The rest . . . have no excuse. Eeeewwwwwwww! I'm never going to another baby shower if this is what goes on!

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRoxy Random

As long as it doesn't have the raspberry jam filling, I'm good - because nothing says "cute baby!" like fake blood running all over your plate. :X

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMoe

What...the....#%-%%& are they thinking?!?!?!?! Cake should not make you feel gross and squeamish D:

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

Did. Not. Need. To. See. Those...next time I'm bringing my own black bars. *hurl*

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterWhatdidijustsee

Why? Why?? WHY?????

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTrekkie Gal

Ewwwwww. Y'all usually censor ones like those.

Or at least give a stronger warning.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterErica

Gee, at least the last baker got the anterior positioning right. Yeesh, are they wishing the mom a harder, more painful labor with all those posterior babies?? ('Cause that's the worst thing about those cakes, of course.)

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

Vulva lips, not vagina.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCr

That is...I just can't...WHY?!?

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterFran

Ya know, I never figured this would be the blog with the best inspiration to NOT EAT! ;-)
Still thankful they aren't semi-realistic c-section cakes.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMoira

O_O *blink, blink* WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN!!!!!!!!!!! *frantically looks around for the brain bleach* DX

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLadybugFaerie

Thank you for helping to keep me on my diet! Now I have no appetite whatsoever!

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Paper

That last one looks kinda like she's birthing a cheese burger...

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRobatron

It's not often I'm cringing in my chair and peeping through my squinted eyes, but today I am. For real. Literally.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBetty Martin

I can't decide if birthin' babby cakes are worse without legs or with stumpy legs.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Sweet Baby Jeezzus!

I actually got nauseated looking at those messes. And I used to work in a hospital ER.

My friend has to make those stupid mom with foot print cakes, as those are the "thing" right now.
She has refused the no holds bar-graphic baby and goo cakes. Luckily her cake shop makes enough money she doesn't need that business. The cakes would be awesome and realistic, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY PEOPLE?

Unless you are in the medical profession, and the crowning baby and goo is a joke...I just couldn't. Not one bite. And I'm a total.cake pig, but something about faux public hair makes me gag.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterFord_Prefect313

At last! A CakeWrecks I can't share with Mr. Wonderful, a great guy who gets woozy from a paper cut.
Although I have mixed feelings about capital punishment, I'm pretty certain the people who request and the bakers that consent to make these atrocities should be rounded up and sentenced to a life of Rice Krispies and toilet tank water. They can do no harm as they figure out where their sensibilities got so warped.
(Cake, the food of the gods, should not make me this angry!)

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered Commenters.marie

The next-to-last "baby" looks disturbingly like Gollum.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterkc

I thought the first spread leg cake was of the butt and not the belly button. That made it EVEN WORSE!!!!

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

Good lord, I'm a midwife and find the moment of crowning to be an awe inspiring moment as a baby is on the edge of birth. But that don't mean I want to eat a cake that's crowning! Truly a wreck. Eww.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Not so much Gollum, more the squirmy piece of voldemort under the bench when Harry dies!

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCoryy

Is #5 a view from behind? I can't unsee it.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDonna Campbell

Can you save me a slice of labia majora, please? It's ok if there's a little bit of fetal ear or pubic hair sprinkles, too, I'm not trying to be too picky! Lol.

Cake.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDonnaB

Ohhh , TOO REALISTIC !!!!

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterThe Former CB

Okay, I'm not the queen of England, but this is just... the epitome of poor taste. Seriously inappropriate. Why would anyone order or bake these abominations?

What happened to the notion that food should be, y'know, appetizing? Or at least not revolting?

If someone really wants to eat "kitty," then perhaps they should have a private sexual liaison, and NOT post photos.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered Commentergothchiq

I just can't even imagine people actually cutting into these cakes and eating them. (HURK)

I'm about to go to a lunch meeting. Don't know how much food I'll order after this. However, the restaurant is in a wine shop, so I'll probably be taking home LOTS of wine. To erase the memories of these disasters.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

What happend to pretty cakes? A few flowers and CONGRATULATIONS slapped on the front? Why would you want any of these cakes? EWWW!

I usually laugh at wrecks but these were just yucky.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterpastry impaired chef

These are wrong. Just.wrong. So.very.wrong. I would leave any baby shower that unveiled such a cake.... the pubic hair one is beyond the pale... so.very.wrong. And the "Gollum" baby (and I have to agree with the poster who said it resembled Gollum - it does). Auck. Yuck. Ya gotta ask yourself, "WHAT are they THINKING?"

Probably because of the generation gap, I'm wondering when a "Rosemary's Baby" cake is gonna make Cake Wrecks. Maybe it already has and I've missed the post. Really auck! (I just re-watched Rosemary's Baby and while it's extremely dated, it's still creeeeepppy!)

Oy. MaryO

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMaryO1230

There is not enough eye bleach in the world to help unseen that mess.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterSue W.

My eyes. My eyes. Pass the brain bleach. Talk about an instant diet plan. I don't think I'm going to be able to eat cake again for a while. But seriously Jen, this is the stuff you should be posting on December 31st - makes it easier for those of us with a sweet-tooth to avoid cake. :)

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCant Eat Cake Now

They're serving cupcakes with the 5th cake! They must know no one will eat it.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKJL

I think they should name the baby in number five "Lawrence".

You know, from the movie.

Lawrence of a Labia.

"The trick, Mr. Potter, is not minding that it hurts."

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCraig T

Jeezus!! O_o

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNikki

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Birth is a beautiful, natural thing. Birth is a beautiful natural thi--BUT BIRTH CAKES ARE NOT!!! I would be pretty mad if someone gave me a baby shower and ordered one of these monstrosities.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

Too funny, gothchiq! I totally agree.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

That last one looks like someone pooping out a cheeseburger.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

why? just why? This blog should be required reading before people order baby shower cakes.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterRachel Schaaf

I usually go a lot slower when looking at your posts....I couldn't go fast enough thi time. YIKES!

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered Commentervix

Hurkin' is right - I seriously had to swallow a few times so I wouldn't throw up!

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAnne @ Sugar Baby Bakes

These cakes ought to be required viewing for all sex-ed classes. They would keep a girl's legs crossed forever!

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLady Anne

The people who ordered these cakes obviously do not want anyone to eat them. They just want to take all the leftovers home for themselves. Oh...I just got a mental image of opening the fridge for a midnight snack and seeing one of these horrific sights. I may never sleep again.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterBluebonnet

HAHAHA!! I LOVE THEM! The more disgusting, the better.

I would never order or serve a gross cake, but man-oh-man, do I ever love seeing gross cakes on here! These are some of my favorite posts. And I love that you didn't censor them, thank you.

That baby cake (photo 4) is just amazingly beautiful. Yeah, it would be creepy as hell to slice it up, but look at that baker's skill. Wow! Looks like you could pick that baby right up out of there and snuggle him. Most realistic baby cake EVER.

But, yeah, more horrifying birth cakes, please! Don't let these other commenters persuade you against posting them in the future! I'm making my voice heard for all the grossness you can throw at us!

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKW

The look on the "baby's" face in cake #5 matches my own just looking at that monstrosity. And they HAD to put that reddish liquid underneath?

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterFM

As someone who works in healthcare, I decree that any baker atempting to make a birth cake, needs to take a basic anatomy class. There are so many things incorrect about those last 3 cakes.
And no, I am not allowed to watch Grey's anatomy because I yell at the tv, when they are wrong

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterChangeling

OMG! The last one is breech! Isn't that bad luck, or something?

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered Commenter@Nilzed

Ok I understand as an artist the desire to push yourself and create memorable and realistic works...but if this is what you have in mind why work in food?!! Be a sculpter, don't bake cannibal cakes!! No one wants a big slice of baby or genitals! Argh! Oddly the clear jelly cake grosses me out the worst, maybe it makes me think of taking a big bite of amniotic sack? Ugh!

Also, props to the commenter for Lawrence of a Labia. I LOL'ed.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDarian

Craig, that is an absolutely horrible pun!

Well done, sir, well done.

January 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterTXRed

Craig T., it's official--I am smitten with your written wittin'.

Just think, the reasons I didn't have kids were the nine months of being slowly Jiffy-Popped, hours and hours and hoursandhoursandhoursandhours of "labor," and the subsequent eighteen years of having to be responsible and pay for everything. Turns out, the Baby Shower Cake would have been enough!

January 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJMixx

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