AB-Solute Sexiness!

Every now and then I start thinking maybe I should diet. This is because, according to every piece of media everywhere, I am not a man until I have abs. And while I've never seen my abs, I assume they're around here somewhere - possibly hiding under 37 years of extra cheese.

Luckily, I work at Cake Wrecks and so have a handy guide as to what my abs will look like during the dieting process.

First, after losing my initial cheese-ton of weight, I'll probably just have a lot of extra loose skin:

My sexiness will have begun.

 

Then, after hundreds and hundreds of hours in the gym, I will develop the coveted "3 pack:"

"Look into my pectoral eyes, and weep at my chiseled beauty. WEEP, I SAY."

 

Which will soon begin to divide...

...and look mildly shocked at being discovered.

 

Later, after countless thousands more hours in the gym and a steady diet of kale and corn husks, my abs will really start to spread out:

Like Twinkies under a blanket.

Mmmm Twinkies...

 

And finally, after years of neverending, staggering misery, I will be able to bask in the glory of my oh-so-sexy new abs:

Like Brad Pitt, only better.
And a little more lopsided.

[head tilt]

Huh.

You know, on second thought, I think my abs are happy where they are.

Right, guys?

Right.

Now, who wants Twinkies?

 

Thanks to Ashlee, Brandi H., Solveig, Anony M., Stephanie S., & Stephanie A. for presenting their bodies of evidence... and for sharing the snack cakes. [hint hint]

*****

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And from my other blog, Epbot:

See The Sweets That We Post On Sunday? THEY CALL ME

Oh, HEI HEI THERE.

(By Lambert Academy of Sugar Craft in Alberta)

Did you know I really, reaaalllly love the movie Moana?

It's just so good, y'all.

And these gorgeous cakes are totally doing our heroes justice:

(By The Cake Witch in South Africa)

Well, the mean coconut dude isn't so much a hero. But I stand by the chicken.

 

Look at these gorgeous icing waves. LOOK AT THEM:

(Baker unknown)

This is some of the best sugar water (heh) I've ever seen!

 

I love the bold sunset silhouette on top of this one;

(By Vintage Studio in Brazil)

 

Here's one just for Maui - check out that tattoo detailing!

(By The Cake Mamas in California)

 

And a similar style for Moana herself, with a bonus heart of Tefiti swirl and ruffly ocean waves:

(Baker unknown, anyone recognize it?)

 

Oh! Remember that icing wave earlier? Well here comes one made of sugar glass:

(By Bake My Day Acadiana in Louisiana)

 

Daaaaaaaaang. This really captures one of my favorite scenes in the movie! Let's zoom in for a closer look:

I think the baker used an edible image for the fish - possibly behind the glass? - which gives it a gorgeous sense of depth. Love it.

 

Speaking of a 3D effect, look how Moana's boat juts out from the wave on this one:

(Baker unknown)

I like the layer of beach sand under the water, too!

 

The grumpy coconuts are back (technically called Kakamoras), but how adorable is it that they're guarding the top tier?

(By Maria Fernanda in Brazil)

I kind of want a couple guarding my desk now.

 

And finally, here's Tefiti herself:

(By Elegateau in London)

 

AAA! So perfect I can almost hear the song playing. (Must. Not. Cry. Again.)

I couldn't cut this, gang. I'd put it behind glass and just sing to her all day. ("This is not [sob] who you are! You KNOW... [louder sobs]... who you are. OH GAAAAH IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.")

K, I'm fine. This is fine. Really.

::lower lip trembling::

Maybe I'll just go watch the whole movie again real quick.

 

Happy Sunday, gang! Hope it's extra sweet.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

And from my other blog, Epbot: