Bakers Are Bad At Father's Day, Here's Proof

Every year bakeries grow increasingly desperate for Father's Day decorations that don't include flowers, bows, or copious amounts of Justin Bieber appliques - because men are an enigma wrapped in a mystery shrouded in ugly neckties and plastic handsaws, and WHAT MORTAL SOUL COULD DECIPHER WHAT THEY WANT ON THEIR CAKES?

You sure you don't want this, Dad?


So instead of using fun patterns or hobbies or whatnot, bakeries invariably go for that trusty old stereotypical Father's Day standby:

Whatever The Hell This Is


Then for variety, there are at least a dozen Things That Are Almost - But Not Quite - Entirely Unlike Ties:


Sing with me now: "Bakers gonna bake bake bake bake bake and the Fater's gonna fate fate fate fate fate..."

Please note they added the S later - like that fixed it.


In all seriousness, this COULD be a giant screw, not a tie. It's like that optical illusion where the duck turns into a rabbit, only funnier, because this one you can drop dramatically on the dinner table and yell, "Who wants a Father's Day screw?!"

(Why yes, holidays ARE a hoot at my house - why do you ask?)


Oh! But my favorite - my FAVORITE - is when bakers go completely off script:

It's a remote controlled stingray.


A cheese knife, car key, and Star Trek communicator badge (slightly squished).


And best of all:

A grisly tableau of Father's Day Past. [shudder]


Well, however you celebrate your inscrutable parental enigmas this weekend, minions, just remember: It's not what's on the cake, it's what's in your heart.

And Dod will understand.


Thanks to Ian F., Clint R., Melissa D., Darrin B., Erin T., Timothy P., Kristin M., Madalina B., & Jennings L., who know these cakes are like baby, baby, baby whooooa.


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And from my other blog, Epbot: