7 Bakers Tackle A Football Helmet, Somehow We All Win

Sometimes the Universe forces your hand, minions, and with the Superbowl charging down on us I'm left with no choice but to acknowledge the elephant in the bakery:

Ok, that's supposed to be a helmet, but tell me you didn't see an elephant there for a sec.

 

Like the Superbowl itself, helmets are supposed to be, you know, bowl shaped. And yet...

This.

 

Any Disney fan worth her salt can tell you this is the Doom Buggy from the Haunted Mansion:

 

And there's no turning back now. MWUAHHAHAAAA.

Pac-Man's cousin, Whale-Barfing-Man.

 

After a while your brain starts to break, so I honestly can't tell anymore: does this look like a helmet?

Or does it look like a guy trying to see his own belly button?
(YOU'RE WELCOME.)

 

I feel like this baker made the eyes look like footballs - or the footballs look like eyes - just to keep us guessing:

I mean, if you turn this upside down, isn't that a field goal? So is this some mad genius at work? Are we simply too plebeian to appreciate the forward-thinking design of a sporting savant?

 

And is this a wang?

I mean, I see a wang. Not a healthy one. Not necessarily even a human one. But definitely in the wang-adjacent department, is what I'm saying.

Which would bring a whole new meaning to "get your head in the game," am I right? Heyooooo.

 

Well, I hope you enjoyed these less-than super head bowls, minions. Stay tuned, and maybe next time I'll throw some wreckerator-assembled footballs your way:

Oh yeah, it's gonna be a home. RUN.

 

Thanks to Amanda V., Teri D., Angela L., Jennifer, Kacia L., Rachel & Kelly, Sara S., & Jen S. for using their heads. Snerk.

*****

I may not know football, but this is a seriously cool gift:

NFL Floating Helmet Display With LED Lights

This has over 2,000 rave reviews, and looks amazing in the customer photo gallery. There are 19 different teams to choose from, click that link to see them all.

10 Hilariously Inappropriate Baby Shower Cakes

Let's be honest, ladies: baby showers tend to turn us into cooing idiots. Suddenly EVERYTHING is "precious," and we find ourselves oohing and aahing over things like diaper cakes (two words that should NEVER be used together, btw) and nightmare-inducing sonogram pictures that by rights should have us calling for an old priest and a young priest.

Not everyone has succumbed to the cute mandate, though; some fight back with the most graphic, crass, and undeniably hilarious shower cakes this side of the "Here I Come!" C-section cake.

Now there's a fresh slice of reality for you: Even the tiny elf baby has soiled himself.

 

I'm the kind of person who gets way too distracted wondering if this was actually news to the person who got the cake - and if so, HOW. Seriously, think about it. 

Ok, you can stop thinking about it now.

 No, really. Stop. We have more cakes to look at!

 

Tired of all the cutesy euphemisms for birth? Then let's get physiological, baby!

Say what you want, but this is STILL less icky than a torso cake.

 

Speaking of which, nothing screams "snack time" like a naked woman mid-birth, amirite?

I still feel partially responsible for these things; I posted The First Censored Cake Wreck a few years back, and then, bam! Suddenly these "push" cakes are EVERYWHERE.

 

And as if that's not bad enough, this baker decided I just don't have enough trauma associated with beloved childhood characters:

NO, CAT IN THE HAT, NOOOOOO!

I've never once wondered what a blow-up doll giving birth would look like, but now I know anyway. THANKS, BAKER. (I also started to wonder what kind of obscene Suessian rhymes she would spout out, and things quickly went from "disturbing" to "I WILL NEVER LEAVE THERAPY.")

 Maybe we should just go back to sperm cakes.

 But supposing you want a sperm cake that's also adorable? What then?

Admit it: at first you were all, "Whatever, Jen, you're just messing with us." But then you were all, "Omigosh that is totally an adorable sperm cake." Right? Right?

 

And if you'd like some cupcakes to go with the adorable bow-tied sperm cake:

Oops. Ok, now we're back to creepy.

 

That was a good run, though. Yep. Remember that cute sperm cake? Yeah. Good times.

 Hey, ever wonder what the most intensely awkward inscription for a baby shower cake could be? Yes? (Me, too!!)

 Well, WONDER NO MORE:

No, please, DO GO ON.

I desperately want this to be Part One of the shower desserts, you guys. And then this would be Part Two:

[Psycho Shower Music]

 BWHAHAHAHAA!!

Sorry, sorry; I'm just imagining your reaction over here, and it. is. priceless. Did you notice the chocolate sprinkles up there? Did you?

 

I can't just leave you with that image, though, so allow me to present what I think should immediately become the new gold standard in baby shower congratulations:

And I thought "handmade" was impressive.

 
Thanks to Maggie S., Jennifer A., Robyn H., Sara R., Katie S., Anony M., Deborah C., Cindy R., Libbie A., & Rachel C. for the inspiration. Assuming you never want to host a baby shower again, of course.

*****

P.S. I really shouldn't be encouraging this kind of behavior, BUT.... look at this cute balloon cookie cutter!