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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
May282014

Here comes the bri...AAAAUUGGHHH!!!

Brides these days. [shaking head] When the big day arrives, some of them can reeeally lose their heads, you know?

That's the wedding cake.

 

Uh, maybe I should give you a moment.

[whistling]

All better? Have all your co-workers/family members gathered around the screen in response to your shrieks? Good. 'Cuz I want to talk about the consultation that resulted in this cake. Do you suppose it went something like this?

Bride: I want my wedding cake to look like my dress.

Baker: Sure, no problem. You want it on a dress form?

Bride: [scoffing] Uh, no-oo! It has to be on a body. MY body.

Baker: Wait, you want a full cake statue of yourself? Like this? [shows photo of infamous bride cake]

Bride: Ew, no! Who'd want to eat my head or arms? That's gross.

Baker: [relieved] Oh, good, 'cuz for a second there...

Bride: So just leave my head and arms off.

 

Here's another view: The limbless bride surveying her domain.

As you can see, the bride (the headed one, I mean) thought it would be cute to put her veil on the neck stump after the ceremony. Which certainly adds...well, a veil to the neck stump.

 

But you know what my favorite part is? Go on, guess.

No, not that. Or that. Hah! Good point, but no. Look, I'll just tell you, shall I?

Ok, it's this: the shoulder stumpies look a lot like outstretched, plucked chicken wings to me. Here, look at the first photo again and tell me you don't see a plucked headless chicken in a dress trying to flap off to freedom:

Flap flap flap.

You see it, don't you?

And if not, rest assured Headless Plucked Chicken Bride will be seeing YOU - in your dreams.

Mwuh-ha-ha-haaa!

 

Sleep tight, Anony M.

*****

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Reader Comments (62)

At first I thought I'd have nothing to post as every comment flashing through my head was offensive. Really, truly offensive. Paula Deen-Gilbert Gottfried-Donald Silver-Ricky Gervais level offensive.
Then mercifully, Jen pointed out the "bride's" resemblance to a chicken attempting to take flight. What better metaphor for the institution of marriage: A young woman, full of hopes and dreams, wants nothing more than to take flight on the wings of love with her chosen life partner, but then reality sets in and she realizes she has no “wings” and must rush home from work to get dinner on the table and do a load of laundry or her husband won’t have clean underwear tomorrow and heaven forbid he learn to work the damn washing machine, and why didn’t her kid tell her he needed 12 dozen cupcakes by 7:30 tomorrow morning. AHHH-so beautiful.
And touching.
Thank you, Jen.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Oh, yeah. Insert "On the Wings of Love" song parody here:


Thanks

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

I couldn't help but notice that no one in the room (especially in the second picture) is actually looking at the cake. That alone is a pretty sad commentary about the end result.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermillbrit

I wish the base had been made to look like the bottom half of a beer can. Then it could have been Headless Plucked Beer Can Chicken Bride. (I hear they're delicious.)

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

Just goes to show that some people have more money than taste...speaking of taste, I am suddenly craving hot wings...

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermiss_paper

Well, that's certainly a way to state that the wedding is all about HER.

(I just keep imagining the requests when it was served: "Piece of abdomen for me, please!" "Not me--I want the boobs!" "Give me the [ahem--let's just say 'lower area', shall we]!" It strikes me that this cake is a frat boy's dream--a woman's body you can devour without the pesky head involved.)

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

Do you, Creepy Man,
take this fondant stump as your
awful breaded cake?

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

Sung to "22"
I don't know about you, but I'm feeling queasy, ewww
Nothing will be alright, I think I'm gonna puke...

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTheCreepyTribble

I would imagine that the bride and groom's first dance was the Chicken Dance, while underneath her breath the bride was saying to the baker, Pluck You.....

@SuBee: while your comment provides an interesting take on the institution of marriage, I'm afraid you may have missed the mark a tad. It is abundantly clear that this cake is notice to the groom: you are about to begin a life of being henpecked.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

The veil resting on the shoulder plateau there really does add that finishing touch . . . of creepiness.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

is the ribbon, well, RIBBON? choking blech.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteranon

For some reason I'm fixated on the question of whether that ribbon is made out of edible material. It looks real to me. Thoughts?

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

*facepalm*
Now all I can imagine is Monica, with the turkey on her head, dancing.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

@SuBee, maybe this cake will get your daughter up? I laughed at your report of your efforts to raise her yesterday!

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

You crack me up, Jen. You really do.
The cake, however, is hideous and a really, truly, horrible idea. Ug.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

Does anyone else think it's gross that she took off her veil and stuck it on the cake, the cake that guests are expected to eat? Maybe it's just me..........

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterValerie

This just shows how conceited some people are. There are literally hundreds or better ideas for wedding cakes.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterelle

You know leaving aside the question of egotism - a bride has the right to have her cake in any form she chooses, after all, even if it's hideously tasteless - the main problem I have with this horror is that it's terribly unflattering. I can only assume that the 'bride' inside this dress has also been cut off at the knees. Horrid.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

@TheCreepyTribble_ Nice one!

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterflufflepuff

Sara's crack about the frat boys reminds me of an innocent remark at a wedding I attended. The groom's cake was in the shape of a dragon, and when it was being cut, the ring bearer announced, loud and cler - that he wanted a piece of tail.

They start 'em young in some places.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLady Anne

I wonder what the groom's cake looked like.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNotMe

It does look sort of as if it's had an anvil dropped on it from a great height.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCheryl

Was the bride short and stocky too? Cause if not, I'm thinking she also got cut off at the knees. This whole thing is just stumpalicious. Obviously the guests passed the word around to everyone there, "Don't look directly at it!"

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

He would joke with hyenas, returning their stare,
With an impudent wag of his head;
And he once went a walk, paw-in-paw with a bear,
'Just to keep up its spirits,' he said.

He came as a Baker; but owned when too late --
And it drove the poor Bellman half mad --
He could only bake Bride-cake -- for which I may state,
No materials were to be had.

--- Lewis Carroll, The Hunting of the Snark

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTachybaptus

I think the baker did an amazing job given the fact that any headless and armless dress cake is going to look horrific.

And the ribbon looks like edible stuff to me. You can see how thick it is if you look carefully, for one thing.


Really, I think bakers need to have more guts to talk people out of really bad cake ideas. Be tactful, sure, but make it clear that a dress form cake would be much better than a body stump cake.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Well, I didn't see the headless chicken until you pointed it out but now it's all I see. I guess this means your job is done here. :-)

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGinger

Lulz haiku Joy :D That cake AAUUUGGGHHH D:

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

"well, that certainly adds a veil to the neck stump" is my new favorite phrase I am thinking of ways to use it at work...

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAl

Yes the cake is awful now, but I'm wondering what it's going to look like when they cut into her and begin smashing bits of her *armpit? *rear? *neck stump? into eachother's faces (because this is totally one of those weddings). I mean, where do you cut it? And do they take her to a back room and quietly dole her out on plates for the guests, or is someone out there, on the dance floor hacking away at her? And are the pieces 4'x1/4", or do they lop her off at the waist, chest and V to keep the pieces normal sized? I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! PLEASE, EXPLAIN IT TO ME! Or better yet, don't, I'll be in my corner rocking and humming:)

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCBushLite

Drawing and quartering comes to mind...

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVeronica

I was waiting for a picture of the veil with a hair stuck on it. blech.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLarisa

This cake really could use a pair of miniature people on the neck stump.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjbrecken

I just had another look (I can't loooook awaaaaayyy!) and realized that the wreckerator also joined the seams of those ghastly fondant ruffles in the front, on several ruffle layers. Ugh. Ruffle seems should go in the BACK on your ugly, stumpy wreck, not in the FRONT.

I wonder if any of the guests formed a support group after viewing this wreck?!

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

I cannot stop laughing. My thoughts:
Cake first appears: Oh, dear God (with extra added 'Eh?')
Veil on cake: Eh?
Chicken analogy: Holy Toledo, you're right! *laughs uncontrollably*
And I can't believe you let Geek Pride Day on the 25th go by without comment.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDolphin

(With apologies to Rufus Thomas)

Y'all come on in now
Come right in and sit
I got a wreck I want to show you
Now y'all heard of the sprinkles
Y’all heard of CCCs (ptooie!)
You heard ‘bout all the other wreckers
But there's a real piece of work
That’ll make you hurk
I want to show you exactly what I'm talking about
I'm talking about the bridey chicken, y'all ready?

You raise the left arm up
and the right arm too
Then rip them off at the shoulders
Start both those stumps to flapping
Start that trunk to kicking
But it won’t go
You doin' the bridey chicken

You drape that neck all over with lace
Your knees want to wiggle all over the place
But you lost ‘em
Your sash you’ll be flickin’
Then you know you doin' the bridey chicken

Oh, I'm feeling it now
That torso is right behind me
This is the kind
This is the kind of wreck
To make you feel like you’re
About to eat something nasty
Like pour some fondant gravy
Down your white dress
Right down front here we go y'all

You work those stumps, work that poor trunk
Fling a dab of frosting, guests all in a funk
You flap your stumps
But your feet ain’t kicking
The you know you doin' the bridey chicken

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterZeldabird

You are all so mean! I think it's beautiful that a quintuple amputee has not only found love, but was immortalized in cake. She healed really nicely, too. Hardly any scarring.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

Where would you even begin to cut this cake? Bottom? Top? Middle? Random stabs?(random stabs might give the groom some happiness-probably the last he'll have with this self-absorbed bridezilla...)

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterWildduck1

Yet another great reason why I haven't gotten married yet.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

Please tell me that it was Red Velvet cake!

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBetsy

I'm glad I am not the only one who was grossed out by the idea of taking the veil off your head (out of your hair) and putting it on the cake that you expect your guests to eat. Ugh. So nasty. My inner germophobe is completely squicked out and screaming, running around inside my head.

The whole thing is, in my opinion, tacky, and not really that well made, considering that we have seen some Sunday Sweets that are lovely dresses on (cake or otherwise edible) dress forms that look like dress forms not headless chickens about to fly away after having been smashed by anvils. Okay, I will give the baker credit for the lace on the bodice, but look at the "skin!" That is not pretty fondant. Some kind of lumpy, cellulite kind of condition going on there. Yeesh...

I need some eye bleach now. Help!!!

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCatherine

LOL @jbrecken! and @pikkewyntjie ...QUINtuple? aaugh!
Somehow your comment reminds me of a sick joke that ended with "...Not another hat!!"
Also reminds me of a sick sick movie (that I did NOT see) called Boxing...well, never mind. Don't want to give any wackos visiting the site any ideas.
<<cold water on face>> <<shaking head>>
Maybe at one point in her life the bride was dropped on her head, like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, and she wanted to pay homage to herself?

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBlondie's Mom

Bwah, Betsy, you have a good point!

And duh, sorry for my typo above! "Seems" should be "seams." (That's what I get for sneaking peaks and replying to Cakewrecks when I'm supposed to be working!)

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

I like it!

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterEdenSummer

It's not even an especially unique or interesting dress to be copying in cake. The bride could have had the ruffles and lace interpreted on a real wedding cake that would have been beautiful.

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBin

Déjà vu? Has this been posted on here before? Or is a bizarrely-specific false memory of a headless bride cake chicken comparison a tell-tale sign of rapidly declining sanity? I could swear I've seen this before....

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTAL

Thanks, mel -- I didn't laugh out loud til I got to your comment!
Wonder what the wacky bride thought it was going to look like?

May 28, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjust me

This cake emphasizes the dress itself, and I for one think it looks good. Unless you were going to make a cake that looks like a wedding dress that was all folded up, where on the body would you stop?

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

TAL, I'm also sure this cake has been featured before...is this a rerun, Jen?

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterPauline

Lol. I can't stop laughing and crying at the same time. This is just weird but if she was happy who can really be upset about it? (Other than the nightmares that will get me later lol)

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

why would a bride think her dress is so great that it should be the cake?

May 29, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterarchersangel

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