Operation: Jingle Bells
We here at the TSA believe that all potential-terrorist passengers should feel safe when they fly, even when they aren't. We also believe that there are literally billions of people in the world who want to kill us right now with their nail clippers and 3.01 oz containers of breast milk.
Therefore, after careful consideration, we have decided to institute stricter flight regulations and security screenings on all of Santa's reindeer.
What?!?You heard us. Please remove your laptops and any loose change from your harnesses.
But...but...
Well, you have my full attention.Mr. Blitzen, you've been randomly selected to receive our enhanced "Freedom Pat" screening. Please step over here and spread your hooves.
Wait a minute, we're the good guys! We deliver joy and gifts to all the good children of the world!
We beg to differ. Remember the Twinkle Light Bomber?
Hey, that was an accident! And Dasher said he was sorry. Ok, Mr. Blitzen, now we're going to slooowly slide our open palm up your inner flank...
Dude. You guys handle my jingle bells and we're going to have issues.We're sensing some hostility here. Let's all just caaaalm down. Tell you what: after we're done with your group cavity search, why don't we all sing a festive holiday ditty together?
I really don't feel like singing right now.
Oh, come on. It'll make you feel better! [singing] Feliz Navidad...
I'm feeling...violated.
Feliz Navidad!
[gasping] Cold...hands...
Feliz Navidad,
Prospero Año y Felicidad!
That's it. Santa, next year we're walking.
.
.
.
Everybody now!
Prospero Año y Felicidad!
The TSA would like to wish you all many enjoyable flights this holiday season, and also to remind you to pick up your souvenir backscatter photos once you've passed through security:
Thanks to Kirstie, Penny V., Kelly O., Used Tire (if that's your REAL name), Jen, Lisa A., Caine I., Carrie N., Carissa H., & Amanda P., who believe that a song in one's heart and a hand up one's flank make for a truly festive holiday.
Go here to donate your $1.
