My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Jen Takes a Chill Pill

Heeeeeey guuuuuys. Jen here. Now, I might have had to take an itty bitty tiny dose of Xanax earlier today, and I might be feeling a liiiiittle bit relaxed right now.

Me [looking at the "to-post" wrecks]: "Meh. These cakes aren't so bad. I'mma go pet the cat."

John: "Oh, you want bad cakes? I'LL FIND YOU BAD CAKES."

[fifteen minute pause while I smile dreamily at the wall]

 John: "Ok, here we go. How about ... THIS."

 Me: "It's the head-shrinky guy from Beetlejuice. Nice. I'mma go pet the cat."

John: "HANG ON. I've got better ones. Here, look at this:"

[long, considering silence]

Me: "Ew." 

John: "... and?" 

Me: "And what?"

John: "All you've got is 'ew'? How about a 'til death makes us parts' joke, or, or, something about eye balling the problem? C'mon! Work with me, here!"

Me: [snoring]

John: "Jen. Jen. Jen."

[enlarging another photo and angling screen in my direction] "JEN!"



John: "... and?"

Me: "And I think I need another Xanax."


Thanks to Suzanne G., Sarah S., Anony M., Jude S., and artist Katie Cook, who has just the surprise I need for John later, OH YES.

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Reader Comments (67)

The spider cake is most excellent and should have been a Sunday treat (albeit for suitable values of Sunday treat. (Yes, I can understand how an arachnophobe would feel otherwise.)

About the "Until death do us part" cake-- during the design phase, someone obviously mentioned ladyfingers.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterrocketride

I'm gonna sit over here and take bets about how long till a comment about the dangers of prescription drug use. *smirk*

Otherwise, thanks for scaring the crap out of me with the spider.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

Sung to "Hello Goodbye" by the Beatles

Jen says, "Meh, I like snow."
John says, "Wait! I'll find cakes that blow!"
Oh no!
John finds a cake, and Jen pets cats so... "Hello! Hello!"
John finds a gross body part cake, Jen finds pillow, pillow, pillow.
John puts a spider on the screen and Jen screams, "Oh!"

(John, unless you know where Jen keeps the xanax, don't click on any links for a while, m'kay?)

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

CakeWrecks is just so educational!
Spiders catch fish? Oh, OK!
Santa likes to make snow angels? Got it!
Body parts on a wedding cake? Um . . .
[crickets chirping]

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFM

The death cake is well done, just gross :P. The spider cake cool(i am not an arachnophobe.) The others D:

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

Question: Why is the giant spider eating a herring? I feel like there's a story here, perhaps a pun? I'm not getting it.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBB, Miami

I love the spider cake! It looks quite well done. Also, I'm an arachnophile.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRobert

With apologies to Haiku Joy:

Spider goes fishing, Xanax
Needs to kick in soon!

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterScaperMama

Is it just me, or does the second cake look an awful lot like Rosie O'Donnell?

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterStevie Lou

Actually [looks around ashamedly] the "Till Death Do Us Part" cake has a pretty good execution. I'm assuming this was a Groom's Cake. Although in the Cake Wrecks defense I kind of question the groom's taste and the bride's tolerance in letting him have it.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterStressfactor

Third and last cakes are wonderfully goth, though at least one of those 'fingers' resembles another body part.....ahem.....

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterThe Former CB

It's all about scale.
Spider eats the tuna, then
Tokyo downtown.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

On an ironic note...the person who ordered that third cake lost his job the next day...he had to pay for the cake with his severance pay....

@BB, Miami -- I know this sounds fishy, but the spider was complaining of ear problems, so he went to get a herring test....(I know...that smelt...)

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermel

WTH? Who needs a cake with a giant spider eating a fish???

Under what circumstances is that cake appropriate? I really need to know.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAggiedog

Well, we know for sure that Santa has had waaaaayyyyyyy to many Xanax. And so has that sledding hill. And so has that wreckerator. Is everyone RELAXED now?

The body parts cake shows someone is taking the whole wedding vow thing just a little bit TOO seriously. Serial killer, anyone/

I'm with Robert: Why is the spider eating a fish?

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

Spider cake = GUH-ROSS! It gave me a huge case of the ickies! Although I will say that it's pretty well done (at least, as well done as a GIANT FREAKING SPIDER CAKE can be...). But still... Ew!

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNikki

I believe that's supposed to be a Fishing Spider on the last cake. They do, in fact, fish. Hence the name. Science. It's so... Logical...

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

WAAAAA!! Why?! Why would you do that to us? Why would you put that on a CAKE? Unless you're a selfish jerk that wants to make sure nobody else touches or eats it. Gross. Now pass ME the Xanax.

PS- just so we're clear, I'm talking about the spider cake. The body parts cake? Totally fine with it. The spider cake? KILL. IT. WITH. FIRE.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNagzilla

The spider cake is awesome. I was trying to figure out why the spider was eating the fish. I thought maybe it was Shelob, but didn't see gollum or any Hobbits.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMarie

The spider cake is an amazingly well done piece of art. The water is especially lovely. Not a wreck at all.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJenP

I'm sorry I visited today, while on my lunch.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDecadent Housewife

why is the spider eating a fish?

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjo

No posts about the evils of benzodiazepines and how everyone should just meditate their way out of panic attacks? I am disappointed in you, Interwebs. Sorely disappointed.
Jen, your Xanax dose might need to be decreased just a little bit if you're so out of it you can't make fun of that hideous wedding (?!) cake. You are tiny, so you could probably just lick the pill and put it back. Also, if you decide to surprise John with a scary spider picture, wait until you're more alert before handling the X-acto knife. ;)

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterwellknell

HOLY COW that Fishing spider cake is BEAUTIFUL! That is a perfect replica of a fishing spider. Seriously.
I or any of my nature geek friends would love that cake.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterelisssabeth

Maybe it's an alternate ending, Marie. Shelob eats Gollum!

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLaurel

What. The. Heck. Seriously? How do I un-see that huge spider cake? I may never sleep again!

Haiku Joy: not helping.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermichelej

It's nice to know that several of us actually like that spider cake. I wouldn't want to eat a piece of spider cake, though. Arachnids are cool until you dismember them and put them into your mouth.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRoors

The spider cake *might* pass if that spider isn't plastic, and if the fish wasn't there. The fish is the big turnoff for me.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAlex K

Xanax is an appropriate response to the spider cake. (Though, personally, I prefer clonazepam.) The S cake *may* be art. After all, I once saw a pile of nails in an art museum exhibit, (large, internationally known art museum in major city - not art in an espresso shop,) and that was also considered art. Hmm...nails or spiders. I'll eat the nails.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNanalettie

I like the middle one. It looks like Sigmund the Sea Monster to me. :)

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKathryn

That spider cake is just fantastic! <3

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCyllan

Do you even have a cat?

I acknowledge the spider cake is very well made. I could never let it in my house, though.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentercal331

Wow, I hate spiders but this cake is amazing! I also think I found the image the pastry chef was working with for that one ;) again, the cake way better than reality even:

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDani

The spider cake is awesome. Best cake ever.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBlobette

Well, BADKarma beat me to it. Yep, there are spiders that fish! Some even make their homes underwater in an air bubble reinforced by their silk! Cool, huh?! (crickets chirping...) Yeah, guess nobody thinks this stuff is cool 'cept BADKarma & me...hey, what's your degree in, BADK? Mine's microbio & genetics. You know, I had hoped to re-engineer Theardare into an even better cat with some horny toad (lizard) genes but Theardare got wind of it & I had to bail out, pronto...maybe it's time for a 2nd try. Wanna help? :-)

@John(thoj) - I can't believe you did the spider cake thing to Jen! How *could* you?!! My peeve is sharks. If someone had snuck up on me with a shark fin whilst I was swimming or windsurfing...well, I don't think they permit access to Cake Wrecks in prison, do they?

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKarate Lady

Maybe the spider and the fish are in love. Perhaps this is a kiss between two star-crossed lovers. They have to keep their love a secret because no one would understand.

Or maybe the spider's just hungry. Hard to say ...

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterApril Fool

Love the body parts cake. LOVE. I wonder if my sister would be upset if I used that for her wedding cake next month? ;-)
Imma need eyeball bleach for that spider cake, tho, and I don't really mind spiders. And the extra clicky link? I am TOTALLY doing that to various male types that reside in my domicile. Cuz, this is the person who LOVES the body parts cake. *snicker*

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJasry

That's one big spider! Is is cake for an arachnologist? If so, than it's an awesome cake. If not, EEEEK!

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMary

Don't stick your finger in the cake just got a new meaning. The spider cake is beautifully freaking scary. There has to be a story to that and we need to know.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjan

I like the spider cake. I am amazed at all the fuss about it though, especially considering the body parts cake has a rat's behind protruding from the front!!! Hello, which is worse? A big spider ON the cake or a gross rat IN the cake? I vote in...

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterdannysmom

Spiders. Why did it have to be spiders?

Ugh-- that sent chillbumps down my back. I can handle Florida cockroaches and snakes and rats and mice, but GAWD I hate spiders.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAnna Nimous


*puts glasses on*

- oh, they're fingers.

*is strangely disappointed*

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAlice Shortcake

I'll take everyone's word that the spider cake is glorious - or gruesome - or anatomically correct. 'Cause I ain't never seein' it, nossirree bob! The very split second that my brain registered what that had to be, I scrolled past so fast I think the mouse was smoking. Ugh. Shudder. Gulp. John(tHoJ), if you were wed to this gal, you would be pushing up daisies about now.

Where does Theardare keep the mind bleach, anyway? All I can find is the Unsee Machine, and it doesn't seem to work too well on partially-seen objects....

@cal331: Methinks that a picture of Lily and Tonks needs to be linked to CakeWrecks so you can see her two cats. Either that or you can visit Epbot.

Nice spider cake. Better than the dead mice on the bodyparts cake.

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterkelticat

The spider is probably well made but I'm not looking close enough to really know for sure. If it was a mouse it would be worse in my book.

The death cake is just so very wrong. Possibly well made but the idea that one would actually want severed body parts at their wedding blows my mind.

@Sharyn ~ awesome as usual!

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

Theardare just got calmed down from the other day -- now comes another wreck questioner and @KarateLady talking about re-engineering him. This would be why "it's a cat's life" never made it into the vernacular.

Poor kitty. Hey, of course I suck up. You would too, if you had been where I've been and heard what I've heard -- like "The Christmas Copa": the touching story of a little boy who has just a few hours left to convince the ticket company to refund Manilow tickets he bought online for his Mom; she was all set to go, but then she saw a cake with a giant spider on it and retreated to her 'happy place'. The 'A' part of the song contains the touching refrain, "Mommy, can I borrow your credit card? I just want to see it." The 'B' part is where you really need the Kleenex, when Mommy says, "Are you new?! I'm not going anywhere when giant spiders are roaming the streets; and where did you get the money for those tickets, anyway?" So it doesn't have a rhyme scheme or scansion -- if it was a good song, I wouldn't have been subjected to it.

All because I once -- once, mind you! -- dared to wonder aloud whether a wreck was really a wreck. Now, people do it with alacrity! Question wrecks, that is. Kids today, I dunno...

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

@Dani - wait, you're telling me that freaking spider lives in britain? which is only an hour's ryan air flight away from where i live? that's waaay too close for comfort to me! and i thought australia was the country where spiders are so big they have health bars!

that cake is executed extremely well, but if i see that thing on the buffet table i'll gather my things and go home. if their spiders are that big i don't wanna see their roaches!

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLcP

Jesus, GOD! Why would you put that there without a warning at the top of the post! I freaked out my cubemates when I scrolled that spider picture up. Seriously, what the hell?

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAmy in StL

Apologies for diverting from the usual format; normal service has now been restored.

#3 Mrs. Lovett had to learn to be a tad less obvious if she and Mr. Todd were going to remain in business.

#4 Food safety alert!

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

I agree with you Merry from Annie's Book Stop/Sharon, MA!!! Word for word. I didn't even see the fish everyone is talking about. Scrolled on by!! Yuck!!! The body part cake...I found amusing :)

April 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMolli

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