My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen


It's the beginner's basic: one round(ish) glob o' icing, and one string.

And yet...



Er, sorry, but I'm afraid writing it doesn't make it true.


Well, I AM seeing something that starts with a "B"...

[looking around] Er...

[waving] Hi, kids!


Dude. Are those teeth?


You know what to do when you see packs of wild balloons running in opposite directions, right?

Thaaat's right: Check the expiration on all your prescription meds.


Look at this next Wreck long enough, and you'll begin to ask yourself some interesting questions:

Questions like, "Which way is up? Which way is down? Is that green circle supposed to be the string? And if so, why aren't the balloons attached to it? Hey, am I being Punk'd here? Is that show even ON anymore? And where did my friends go? Do I seem strange, standing here alone in this bakery, questioning a cookie? Answer me, random old woman walking by! ANSWER ME!!

"Oh. Sorry. Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis, now did I?"


Look out, Kerri. They've organized, and they're coming.


Which reminds me:

I bet it's a girl.


Early C., Tracy C., Heather P., Tiffany H., Vikki, Kim M., Kerri K., & Stacey, I'd say something about the sprinkles, but that just seems rude, you know?


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Reader Comments (46)

I LOVE the Monty Python reference!

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMillie

Sick'ning in a summer sky
Ninety nine white tampons float by...

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Is it just me, or do the balloons on cake #6 look like odd-colored eggplants?

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternormajean

Wrecked balloons oh wrecked balloons
Oh how I love you so.
You could be boobs you could be sperm
And still I just don't know...
Wrecked balloons oh wrecked balloons
How could your baker fail?
You're an icing blob with silly string
Please tell me your sad tale.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGingerSnap

Love the Holy Grail reference. I've been using a line from that scene all year now- "I'm 37. I'm not old."

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

You had me at Dennis. Frankly, it was hard to get past that since I was laughing so hard. And now I'm paranoid thanks to those rogue "balloons."
I'm thinking that maybe those teeth were supposed to be tulips ... or maybe tampons ...

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBrenda

Cake/cookie #4 is not teeth...notice the strings....I don't know why they are celebrating feminine hygiene products, though. Maybe because a certain test was negative?

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermiss_paper

That one cake(#4) looks like
The Tampon Cake of Doom, Look it up I think it was an unused prop from Carrie!

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVinnie

those "balloons" on the fourth cake look a lot like tampons - sorry to put that picture in your head.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjane lewis

I wish they were teeth
but teeth don't have strings
something else does . . .
at least they aren't used

I'm sorry

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCuriousT

I didn't see tampons until you people said it! O.O

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

Forget 99 Luft Balloons. I'm thinking 99 Blech Balloons!

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

Now, now, to be fair, the 1st cake might have had 3 different people making the balloons. Then the baker put the pretzel on to "unify" them. We should always look into the "back story" before we judge. Of course if we do that, this blog no longer exists.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCheryl

99 Failed Balloons (with apologies to Nena)

You and I in a bakery shop
Want some balloons for the birthday cake’s top
Eat them all when we get home
‘Til one by one they are gone

Back at the store, it can’t be done
They can’t even make a single one,
These bring a tear to my eye,
Ninety-nine failed balloons go by.

Ninety-nine failed balloons
These bring a tear to my eye,
Panic friends, it’s a fail alert
These things here are something else

The frosting bag springs to life
Blob and string, can’t get it right,
Focus is not in his eye
Ninety-nine failed balloons go by

Ninety-nine Decision Street
Ninety-nine bakers meet
“Some look like sperm and some look like teeth,
Some look like lights on a holiday wreath.”

What the heck are you waiting for?
Get back to your bake‘ry store
The customers are angry, that’s not fine
As ninety-nine failed balloons go by

Ninety-nine bakers only sigh
Their feeble efforts make me cry
I just want some nice balloons
Not what’s made by these buffoons

My order I can’t identify, or clarify or classify
Don’t know why I even try
As ninety-nine failed balloons go by
Ninety-nine failed balloons go by

Ninety-nine nightmares I’ve had
Every one a failed balloon
Now it’s over and it’s not pretty
In fact this mess is such a pity

If I could find one nice balloon
Just to prove it can be done
But there is no good balloon
I think I’ll have to let it go

(When bakers tell you they can do balloons, they’re usually full of hot air. That inability must be some kind of disease they all caught, and we can only hope that someday doctors will be able to heal-y ‘em…. Today’s post was a gas!)

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

Can we just pretend that Cake #3 was a poor attempt at icing jellyfish? Please?!

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Well, unless I'm blind, at least that one chocolate chip cookie "cake" spelled "Happy Birthday" right. Is that a first?

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHAL

I guess they ran out of white string at the factory?
Absorbent, though.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterkhereva

"I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'!"

"Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?!"

... Come see the violence inherent in the system!

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLadybugFaerie

Ack! Now I'm scared of the balloons, which are actually coming for me, Kerri K, specifically. Incidentally, I didn't send that in, and didn't even get to eat that... so now I'm also wondering about my clone/namesake/bodysnatcher coming for me....

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKerri K

Sigh. I am so glad to see that other people also did not think of teeth when they saw the fourth picture. Most of these cakes are purely awful. Kerri's organized balloons are a shining spot. Of what, I don't know, but they made me laugh.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGinger

Seriously, when I looked at the first cake, that Debbie Downer "wah-wahhhh" sound rang through my brain.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

The balloons in #7 have organized - into an autonomous collective!

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRanwulf

The "teeth" look like tampons to me... eeewww

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

On the one hand I definitely needed a laugh today. The morning has been interesting, and the afternoon probably won't get much better.

On the other, I think that maybe I've been following Cakewrecks too long. I just flipped to an older post of boob/belly cakes, with some questionable c-section and alien cakes thrown in, and sat happily munching on my almonds with nary a queasy moment. Obviously I have become inured to disgusting cakes if I have stopped losing my appetite at strawberry jam and baby arms protruding from cut stomachs. Is there C-Anon? you know, Cakewrecks Anonymous for when you've lost your gag reflex?

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

Would you rather it be RED tampons, SuBee?

Heck, they are depicting and celebrating every other bodily function on cakes, including a girl beginning her menses, so why not tampons? Of course, we don't want to exclude the boys when they have their spermarche, which is what the other cakes are for. "Look what Mom made for you, honey! You're not Mommy's Little Man anymore, but I still love you and want to celebrate your puberty with you. Yes, I found your damp undies in the laundry basket and yes, your mom knows what that stuff is. How do you think you got here? Oh, there's the doorbell. Your friends are here, including that girl I know you like!"

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

the one cookie with balloons in a ring looks like it may have been intended xmas lights. but they still aren't attached right.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteranon

I love the wrinkled, warped, deflating balloons on the second cake. Get me those.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKnittedbooties

Insert rude joke about "They're COMING!" here.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

How do people fail at something sooo simple? Did they fail elementary school? O_o

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

Those are not teeth. Those are tampons. o.0

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDolphin

Teeth? My first thought was tampons.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commentergothchiq

Yes, I saw tampons, too. And will spend the night wondering how you can screw up something as simple as a balloon.

@mel: Am at my sister's house in Germany right now, so am hearing the German version of your song in my mind. It's not pretty. But that's because it's German.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

My gosh. I always get a hearty chuckle from your posts but this is one of the few that made me LOLoud at work. Your comments on the last two cookies slayed me...

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMarcusss

Riddle me this: have any of these Wreckorators ever SEEN a helium-inflated balloon? Because I have. Our store used to sell the darn things, and I've inflated far more than my fair share (And you have not lived until you've had a Hi-Float-treated balloon explode over your head, showering you with something that resembles egg white. Only stickier.). And one thing I learned was that balloon strings are not all curly/silly-stringy - the strings are straight as arrows as the balloons throw themselves at the rough-plaster ceiling, trying to commit balloonicide.

I have two alternative interpretations of cookie cake #4. Not less gross ones -- just different.

1) Pooping ghosts
2) Diseased eyes whose pupils are falling out and disintegrating. In swirly strings. Ew.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

I thought I had an original thought when I saw those tampons... er... TEETH. But umpteen bazillion of you beat me to the punch.

Scary, how many of us think alike.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDances with Lasagna

HOW can you get balloons wrong? Jeez.
At least the 5th one - -MEIOSIS! (sorry, my inner geek trying to bust out) - where was I?
Oh yeah; at least the 5th one looked like balloons.
I can hear the fine-motor-control-impaired baker replying to the crestfallen customers ("We only asked for blobs and hard can that be?"):
"Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Be quiet! Shut up! WILL YOU SHUT UP!"

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBlondie's Mom

3rd from the end is CLEARLY a new hybrid eggplant vine which grows red, yellow, and blue eggplant.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMehehehe

OK, that Cake #5: It's the moistest cake you ever tasted, because it's covered in....ohhh blerghghghhgh!

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMC from NZ

These cakes really blow.

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

Um, was Cake #4 decorated by someone who flunked dentistry school?

Cake #3 - I see diseased googly eyes

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterE. Anne

@TLC: hope your visit is more enjoyable than the song!

May 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

Baloony = a Phineas and Ferb reference, I presume. Love that show.

May 22, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermelanie sparkles

Lmao all I can see now are boobs and sperm on those wrecked things. My adulthood is now scared and scarred for life lol.

May 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

They're not teeth... They're the... "before" tampons! >_D >_D >_D

May 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterQue Sara Lee

Hahahaha Wow...lesson learned. We ALL need to check the exp. date on our prescription meds lol

May 24, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterStoich91

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