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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Feb092012

Breaking Up is Heart To Do

Don't you hate it when Valentines Day rolls around and you're still stuck with that person you kept meaning to break up with, but then they made you a sandwich and you forgot?

So now you have to get that person a Valentines cake, but you don't want to go overboard with the whole mushy sentiment or effort or anything?

Well, never fear, callous jerks! The bakeries of America are here to help.


Of course, there's always the obvious way:

...but suppose you want something a little more subtle to break things off?

Not to worry; you have options.

 

For the biology major:

"Rrrrrippit! Rrrrip out your heart and throw it against the wall! And then rearrange your intestines into a LARGER heart so I can trample THAT, too!"

 

Or, for a message with a little more meat to it:

There's a "steak through the heart" joke in here somewhere, I just know it.

 

How about a little poetry?

Field of excrement
Surrounding a shattered heart:
Evidence crack kills

 

Now, I know what you're thinking:

That's just offal.

 

Here's a cake that really says, "Your love turns me upside down!"

That, or "You're an ass!"

One of the two, anyway.

Guess which one I'm going with.

 

And speaking of "buttering" her up, fellas, have you considered the new "rear view" pendant that's all the rage this year?

Why, you cheeky little devil, you.

 

Thanks to Sarah H., Caitlin F., Madlyn D., Terri G., Heidi K., & Marc S. for the heart to heart.

« Finding the Words, Losing the Lunch | Main | Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Felony »

Reader Comments (102)

What a realistic meat cake! Why isn't it up on Sunday? Is it made of red velvet do you think?

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSamantha

"Crack kills"

Ahhh, you're killing me! :) Thanks. I needed the smile this morning.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlili

I <3 steaks, medium rare, especially if prepped with coffee grounds rubbing and dessert is a raspberry chocolate torte. Not a wreck by me.

Oh, and I'm sure the necklace is a miniature version of a Klingon bridal night gift. You know, nothing says love and trust like a close-quarters disemboweling/gelding hook that you hope she'll never use.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermsyendor

I'm never going to be able to look at that necklace the same way again! My co-worker just got one too...XD

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterarkangel

That's all i can ever see when i see that pendant! Butts! Open heart, whatever.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie B

I thought I'd celebrate today's post in song:

1. First, a little altered Lionel Richie
"Not you, it's me; not meant for always
Not the way it should be
Not you, it's me; stay not together
Un-Naturally"

2. A little Devo?
"Rrrrippit! Rip it good!"

3. How 'bout Bon Jovi...
"Steak through the heart and you're to blame
You give lo-o-ove a bad name"

4. A little old school knowledge:
"They say that breaking u-up, it feels like poo
Now I know, I know that it's true"

5. A Wonka quiz (with answers):
"Who can take a cupcake
sprinkle it with poo
Cover it in icing and an excrement or two
The Kandy Man
The Kandy Man can
The Kandy Man can 'cause he mixes it with "Love" and makes the world taste...ew."

6. And, of course, Queen!
"Fat bottom girls, you make the bakin' world go round"

Sorry, Jane, there's a reason my heart is closed! Purely aesthetical reason.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

hey we called that necklace "The Bejeweled NUTSACK" lol

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterjoINCanada

Never thought that about the pendant, although I do think of another body part, which is sort of appropriate since this is a "jewel" of sort, that one would give to a "family" member...

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAshlie

From the first moment I saw Jane's designs I screamed, "Am I the only one who sees T&A here??" I'm happy to know I'm not alone.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPurpleDragonfly

I've long called it the Floating Butt; however, I think Bejeweled Nutsack, a pet moniker revealed by a Facebook commenter, tops any name, anywhere.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKimberley

BWAHAHAHAHA! Every time that "Open Butts" commercial for Kay Jewelers comes on TV, my better half and I crack** up at Jane's catchphrase because all we can hear in our gutter-minds is, "If Your Butt Is Open, Love Will Always Find Its Way In".

....I don't think that's the type of love Jane Seymour was talking about.

**That wasn't intentional...butt it WAS funny!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDFM Marlink

My husband and I call the "open heart pendant" the Sparkly Ball sack pendant. It is really not a very aesthetically pleasing, is it?

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly

I HATE her jewelry! That thing looks like a grappling hook! Sorry Jane....stick with acting.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara

I love all your posts, but this one hit home! I have called that the "Open Butts Collection" for years! My husband knows my opinion, but I wouldn't be surprised if he brought one of those home as a gag gift since he once gave me a card that said "I love you from the bottom of my butt...it's bigger than my heart!".

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterYet another Jen

We have always called that necklace the T and A necklace in our house. Its terrible!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteryoungharvard

I was starting to wonder if I was the only one who thought, "butt and boobs" about that necklace!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJaimie

My boyfriend got me a necklace from Kay jewelers for our anniversary a few years ago, and they tried so hard to get him to buy me that necklace, thank god he knew me well enough to say no, cause I think it is one of the ugliest I have ever seen.

And I love the upside down heart/butt cake...totally want it for Valentine's Day now!!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

I always thought Jane Seymour's Open Heart jewelry was kind of cheesy. I just recently realized that it looks like boobs and a butt. Yet another reason to dislike it.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSkeeter

I thought the upside-down heart (rightside-up butt) cake was marvelously decorated -- it even has little hemorrhoids all around it!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara in Savannah

My roommates and I call that the T & A necklace...

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJoy

Thank you! Boobs and butt...it's all I see, every time!!! Although now, the "flamingo" comment has me viewing it in a new light. It's like one of those posters that you stare at for awhile...a totally different image ends up coming through! :D

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDana

Boobs and butts.. Hahahaha... Now I know why I NEVER liked that necklace but couldn't put my finger why. The steak... my husband would totally love that.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBabs

we call it the "snake balls" necklace, and my husband is threatening to get it for me

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteruncertain_texas

'Two butts are better than one' necklace - also, everybody over at Regretsy sees the same things y'all do.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergobbler

For those of you wanting to know why the meat has 3 countries of origin, watch "Food Inc." It will answer that question plus many others you didn't want answered.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

love the ribeye steak! would be weird to see for sure... but what gets me is the Product of US & Canada,Mexico ? how is that possible.......

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Wheeler

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Epcot bunker... Can I bring the gruesome frog cake?

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermichelej

Can we get an Epcot, please? Yes, I know it’s just a necklace but a party in the bunker before Valentine’s would be freakin’ awesome!

The steak is a product of Canada, Mexico and the USA as it has a Canadian papa, a Mexican mama and they met halfway in the USA.

As for the inverted heart cake- my bottom is bigger than my heart so that’s actually a better cake for me to give.

Ah, zoomom’s back in fine form and Andrea was wonderful! :D

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

I'm a student in a veterinary assisting program. one of our female dog spay patients refused to go potty before surgery, so her colon was very full. What happened on the surgery table looks rather like the cupcake "offal"...and yes, I may never eat chocolate frosting again.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLetitia

THANK YOU from the "bottom of my heart" (pun intended) for confirming my belief that the open hearts necklace looks like a butt. I've told my husband that if he buys me that 'butt ugly" thing I'll kill him. I'm so happy to see that the Cake Wrecks commuity seems to concur.Or is it just that we all tend to see things in a slightly twisted way? Hmmm...no, it's because it looks like a butt.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKara Buntin

Andrea, you rock! That was awesome!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterzoomom

The first time I ever saw that necklace I saw a flamingo-swan. Now it's what I see every time I see it.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRedDog

Ye gods, I thought I was the only one that saw a behind in that design! Saves hubby some $$ though! LOL I'd rather have cake anyway, right?!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHillary

Thanks for the link to the video about meat glue. That should help me cut down on eating meat!

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGary

Well there went my wanting one of those necklaces. Now that you mention it they do look like butts lmao. Ah well saved hubby some cash this time mwahahahaha lol. As for the heart cookie surrounded by old poopy looking meringues.. they can keep that in a basement far, far away. I think I will just hope for some roses.

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

Note to self, never look at cakewrecks after breakfast. Meat cake? BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterScifimom

Guys, isn't it obvious? The person responsible for the heart-shaped steak is an Invader Zim fan!

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRattle

Yup-Boobs & Butts pendant. I don't know what Jane Seymour was thinking when she came up with that design..oh wait, yes I do.

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

Steve Dallas' love poem to Bobbi Harlow in the comic Bloom County: "In my dreams / you're all I sees / Boobs, butt, and knees / Be my main squeeze." If only he'd given her one of those necklaces, too...

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commentertoasty

OMG Jane Seymor Butts!! I'm dying with laughter. Ditto to all butt necklace comments.

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNell

One year when my husband and I were newlyweds... back in the dark ages... I made him a heart-shaped meatloaf for Valentine's day, since meatloaf is his favorite. He took one look and said "What happened, did you drop it?" Maybe the heart-shaped steak would work better.

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMumsykat

The "open heart" comments made me laugh inappropriately loudly!! I always thought that pendant looked like the Loch Ness Monster...

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNight Whisperer

I called the Open Hearts necklace the "Double Butt" necklace until someone smarter than me dubbed it the "Seymour Butts" design.

February 10, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercal

I am so glad that I am not the only one that sees "butts and boobs" in that stupid pendant! I joke about it with my boyfriend all the time. It is nice to see that not everyone loves that crap like the commercials would have you believe.

February 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMissy

I hate hate HATE that double-butt pendant that's been around for a few years. I told my husband that I wouldn't even accept it as an ironic gift.

February 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterWinona

I'm also very glad to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks that pendant looks like body parts. Oddly, neither my husband nor my teenage son seem to have noticed...

February 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNoelle

Yeah ... it's been the "T&A" (a la Chorus Line) pendant in my house for years.

February 12, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermisa

My sister and I call that pendant the "T & A necklace".
So horrible.

February 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCrayl

So glad to know I'm not the only one seeing boobs and a butt...

February 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNoora

Ever since my husband said that the pendant looks like a cobra, I've never been able to get that out of my head.

February 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

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