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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Feb092012

Breaking Up is Heart To Do

Don't you hate it when Valentines Day rolls around and you're still stuck with that person you kept meaning to break up with, but then they made you a sandwich and you forgot?

So now you have to get that person a Valentines cake, but you don't want to go overboard with the whole mushy sentiment or effort or anything?

Well, never fear, callous jerks! The bakeries of America are here to help.


Of course, there's always the obvious way:

...but suppose you want something a little more subtle to break things off?

Not to worry; you have options.

 

For the biology major:

"Rrrrrippit! Rrrrip out your heart and throw it against the wall! And then rearrange your intestines into a LARGER heart so I can trample THAT, too!"

 

Or, for a message with a little more meat to it:

There's a "steak through the heart" joke in here somewhere, I just know it.

 

How about a little poetry?

Field of excrement
Surrounding a shattered heart:
Evidence crack kills

 

Now, I know what you're thinking:

That's just offal.

 

Here's a cake that really says, "Your love turns me upside down!"

That, or "You're an ass!"

One of the two, anyway.

Guess which one I'm going with.

 

And speaking of "buttering" her up, fellas, have you considered the new "rear view" pendant that's all the rage this year?

Why, you cheeky little devil, you.

 

Thanks to Sarah H., Caitlin F., Madlyn D., Terri G., Heidi K., & Marc S. for the heart to heart.

« Finding the Words, Losing the Lunch | Main | Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Felony »

Reader Comments (102)

We call that necklace the "butt and boobs" pendant at our house. Sorry Jane.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAli

I just had a flash back to the "Underalls" commercials with the little derrier that would rock back and forth at the end of the ad. Why do things like that stay in our brains? Aghhh.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSue

That necklace drives me nuts... every time I see one it morphs from butts to a snake to a flamingo. Thank you for that, Jane Seymore (butts).

The cakes are not worth commenting.
And I am seriously disturbed at the meat.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

I stared at the meat "heart" a while, thinking "Wow, that's a really good depiction of meat...it's looks real!" Then I realized that it *was* real. Ugh. Not very appetizing.

The black frosting really helps convey the mood on the first cake.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbassgirl

I reaaaaaaaaally hope they did not make that Valentine's cake at Christmas with the intentions of storing it until VDay. . . but I would not be surprised.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHeatherLeah

Necklace looks like a knockoff of the popular Jane Seymore Open Hearts necklace. I've seen it around for a couple years now.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSabrina

Ah, inverted hearts for Valentine's Day -- when you want to tell that special someone "I love you from the heart of my bottom."

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

I always thought that the "open heart" design looked off. Thanks for confirming that for me!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterShellie

HAHAHAHA! My husband and I always said those necklaces looked like double sacks. I thought we were the only ones that laughed every time some woman draped them around her neck in the commercial.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLauren

Why yes, dissected frogs are VERY "traditional" for Valentine's Day, just like the sticker says! Hallmark has a whole line of cards depicting them, don't they?

And why bother to do to all the trouble of a heart-shaped steak? Just cook beef heart instead. Oh so romantic, organ meat.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Let me just state up front that am glad to be single, especially during this time of year because if I had a significant other that gave me ANY of these cakes, I would weep openly...before flipping out and turning that person into a version of that "frog". Seriously, cake should not be used for evil means and I think that upside down cake is as bad as when I see team logos (like the Longhorns, sorry, just the most common!) on vehicles upside down and we ALL know what they're trying to say! I'm sure the cakes are yummy but the bakers are evil incarnate.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGrnEyes6

lol! Its not just me who thinks that ridiculous design looks like a pair of butts rubbing up against each other!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Spec-tonk-ular, as per usual, but you missed the word "go" in "but you don't want to overboard." Wreck on!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterChelsea

I apologize for this, but it just wouldn't leave my head. (And I really apologize to the J. Geils Band.)

You love her
But she loves cake.
Your cake might be something else
Like guts or steak.
It’s always gross
To see a frog’s insides
And when it’s for love
It’ll make you cry.
With all the poop
And the cake bums I think
One things for sure
Love stinks! (Yeah, yeah)

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterzoomom

Thus said Queen of Hearts:
"Raw meat slabs the knave bring'st us?
Offal with his head!"

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

We, too, have been calling that the "BOOBS AND BUTTS COLLECTION" at our house for years!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterteflonn

Everytime we see that necklace in our house, we exclaim - "It's gay Zoro!!"

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBoston

At first, I thought the steak was a cake decorated quite well in a "realistic heart" motif. Certainly not appropriate for all tastes, but possibly appealing to people with a quirky sense of humour and a taste for realism/accuracy.

As it is, though... reminds me of a few years ago when a friend threw an anti-Valentines party for those of us who were single and grumpy about it. The party theme was to bring something romantic to the party and destroy it there. Paper things and dried roses thrown into the fireplace, candy hearts smashed up and baked into desserts, that kind of thing. Broiling and eating that "heart" would have fit right in.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJoel Polowin

Thank you. I have always thought the same about Jane's jewelry design.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commentervalleycat1

I am disturbed that the meat heart is produced in USA, Canada AND Mexico. That cow must have had a passport full of stamps. And I like the X-mas tablecloth with the ass-valentine cake. Make up your mind - which holiday is it!!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJewlz

How is that Ribeye a product of the US, Canada and Mexico?? Did the cow move around a lot?

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

I don't know about anyone else, but I would love a heart-shaped steak on V-day :)

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterShe-she

The jewelry! Yes! I have thought the same thing ever since she first came out with that design. I have threatened divorce if my husband ever brings home the Butt Necklace.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterChristianna

Boston, they didn't title a movie Zorro: The Gay Blade for nothing!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterClassic Steve

Maybe I'm a b*tch but I'd be sooooo p*ssed if the hubs gave me one of those stupid necklaces for any occasion :P to say nothing of those nastyass ( get it?) cakes.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKimberj

THANK YOU for commenting on the crazy "open hearts" design. I've always thought it looked like a snake that has been run over. Also, I had some issues with my dislexic brain convincing me it was a fancy "S", which only made me see a snake more. From now on, thanks to you, it will be the "boobs and butt" necklace to me.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRixie

I'm glad I'm not the only one...I told my family that all I see is boobs and butt when I see that necklace!!!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDenise

Heh. If you look up "Why do Valentine's hearts look like that?", one popular answer is that they actually represent the posterior. Or the dangly bits often seen hanging from trailer hitches.

I hope that first cake is available year-round. It would be appropriate on so many occasions. "Johnson, come into my office. I'm afraid I have some bad news...and a cake."

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHarold

Not gonna lie...I would really like that steak for dinner tonight. :)

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSamantha

Love the haiku for the the cracked heart cake. I laughed so hard my dog woke up and looked at me, with his head cocked sideways, as if to say "WTF?!"

As for the meat heart being a product of USA, Canada, and Mexico... maybe it contains cuts form several different cows, and "meat glue" was used to form that lovely steak...
Industry-Wide Use of Meat Glue Sticks Together Scraps of Meat To Sell You Prime Cuts

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLibertyGal

I'm chiming in with the rest. So glad I'm not the only one who saw a big ol' butt in that necklace. Until Cake Wrecks, I had no idea so many other people felt the same way!

However, my husband would be thrilled if I brought home a giant, heart-shaped steak for him for Valentine's Day. And, sadly, he wouldn't question its world-trotting tendencies.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterM. Dale

I agree with She-She -- heart-shaped steak (ESPECIALLY rib eye!) is a win.

Also, it's the frog cake that's offal -- offal is butchery waste, like intestines and such.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkayk

Bahahaha crackkills XD

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

Oh, thank you, fellow Cake Wrecks fans... Here I've been thinking I was the only one who saw the "boobs and butt" in Jane's design!!!! I, too, have threatened the DH if he buys me that necklace! Just a nice, ordinary heart-shape will be fine, thanks. Doesn't even have to be diamond-studded.

And may I assume that the upside-down heart was done (quite beautifully, really) by someone who has never, ever, observed Valentine's Day, nor seen a traditional celebratory box o' chocolates? Sheesh.

Now I think if it, maybe the cake was designed by Jane?

THANK YOU for commenting on that necklace. I have always hated it- all I ever see is a big ol' butt! You've made my day by ensuring I am not alone in this belief!!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTrish

XD! The Cracked Heart cake!!!! XD!!! that is soooooooooo ironic!!!!!
If i ever have a boyfriend i need to break up with, i will be sure to get him the Broken Heart Surrounded By Turds cake!!!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNausicaa

Boston's comment for the win! I always thought it looked like a swan with a broken neck.

Oh yeah, the cakes. C'est terrible. The upside-down heart confuses me. Someone went to a lot of trouble to make that frosting so beautifully smooth, even on the sides and then wrote on it upside-down? Sometimes I picture these wreckerators working really hard and being really careful with all the lettering and spelling that they lose track of the big picture and that's how letters get missed or cakes get frosted upside-down.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMay

@Julie: Of course dissected frogs are traditional for Valentine's Day! My college glee club was delivering singing valentines (I know, I know), one of which was in a biology lab. Professor walked right in front of us carrying this ENORMOUS dead frog by the back flippers. We tried, but we couldn't make it through the song before we all dissolved in giggles.

I, too, was initially impressed with the meat "cake" and then disturbed when I realized the beef was a product of 3 different countries. Scary.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraftistic

That's really a piece of meat in that cake box, isn't it?
Was it in the bakery section, or the meat department?
Or on the Epcot aisle?

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGary

Amanda sez:
"How is that Ribeye a product of the US, Canada and Mexico?? Did the cow move around a lot?"

Welcome to the sisterhood of the traveling meat. <3

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGary

Bride with no taste or budget update

Bing (!bing!) has a little slideshow of memorable nuptials today and the bride with no taste or budget is in there. They claim the cake was an exact replica, but we all remember the red ric rack. Apparently, there was supposed to be a groom cake as well.

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/lifestyle/unique-love-stories-ss?imageindex=13&cp-searchtext=Vows%20renewed%20with%20life-size%20bride%20cake

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTrista

1. I’m lying. It’s really those crappy cakes you keep bringing home.
2. Instead of that “Flamingo looking at its reflection in the water” pendant everybody’s getting, I thought we’d go with the more traditional “Disemboweled Frog” cake this Valentine’s Day.
3. It’s not you, it’s meat.
4. Since you broke my heart, all I can do is sit among these lava rocks and whimper.
5. I’m so in love, my cupcakes runneth over.
6. It’s snowing so hard the Ace of Spades is covered with white.
7. No, forget the frog and the meat—my true feelings about you are best expressed by this “Four Buttocks” design.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGary

I thought I was the only one thinking Jane Seymour's open heart necklace looked like a butt. Glad to know other minds are in the gutter with me. lol

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermymlb

#1 I didn't know George Costanza worked in a bakery. I thought he was a marine biologist.

#2 'Traditional'? Do I want to know what tradition is being 'honored' here? (Probably not, but I thought I'd ask.)

#3 Captain Beef Heart. Not a cake, but I like it -- medium well. @Jewlz, that's NAFTA beef you're looking at. I've always thought the fewer miles between 'moo' and 'Mmmm' the better, but then I'm not a politician.

#4 Ick. The Cynical Bakery always ramps up business this time of year.

#5 Speaking of same, I am simply underwhelmed by the milliseconds of effort that must have gone into this. The fact of it being a CCC is actually redundant.

#6 I know Valentine's day happens in winter, but the stark juxtaposition here doesn't send a strong 'freshness' vibe.

#7 What better way to capture the tender sentiment, 'my eyes are up here'. Or not.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

ohhhhhh, Publix.. I <3 you so much... so much that I let you pay my bills by giving you 40hrs of my time a week... but REALLY!?!? A heart shaped steak?!?! Not a win in my book. Just weird...

And thank you for voicing what so many others, myself included, have thought about that stupid heart necklace.. boobs and butt... period.. no hearts anywhere.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterstaxia

EVERY time I see an "open hearts" commercial with Jane Seymour, I always call it the "big butt necklace", and I make my husband swear he will never get me one, which makes him laugh because he thinks they look awful anyway! So glad I am not alone in seeing it that way... :)

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

When I lived in Australia, there was a saying, "one bum wide, two bums high". That's what I always think of when I see the "Open Heart" necklace commercials!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJen

When I lived in Australia, there was a saying, "one bum wide, two bums high". That's what I always think of when I see the "Open Heart" necklace commercials!

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJen

If only I had a boyfriend I hated. . . I have an ex I still like! Wait, that won't work. . .

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteriq694

Today's post was 1-hilarious (as per usual), and 2-the comments are like a fresh dose of therapy. I'm not alone. I'm so glad that so many other people see the 2 butts in that pendant. It drives me completely nuts every time I see one of the commercials, and then I start yelling about butts, and then my family looks at me like I'm crazy.

February 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKSLSRocks

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